I've come to a realization that... I am not really emotionally open or available anymore, or I haven't been for quite some time. I don't let myself feel. I don't know how far I want to go into it, because some of it is really... I'm embarrassed by my coldness, by my inability to give a damn.
Maybe its disappointment, maybe I don't know if I can trust anymore. I don't know... I just know I have become rather isolated. I don't really have a problem with it, being independent. I don't really emotionally need anyone, and I guess its kinda nice because I could go on like this, but then again I miss a lot of other things... I feel like I'm close to no one anymore, and I can't read people/help, I can't share everything, and there is just all of these secrets and aspects of people I care about that I just don't know, and may never know.
What would be better? Needing people, being emotionally attached and trusting that it won't get me hurt? Or just sitting by the side of things, and feeling numb? Honestly, it would seem like an easy question, but I just don't have the answer.
I guess growing up is more then just crushes and best friends and self-esteem. There is so much more... so much learning, and even more confusions and questions posed that will never get answered.
I'm not sad, just confused. Wistful might be the right word.
For the first time in a long time, I'm content. But why does that not feel like enough?
Life is good. Contrary to my normal journal behavior, I do believe I will try to update this thing a few times a week via my sidekick while at school. Yes, I'm back at sfsu and this time with focus. Before I honestly didn't have my priorities situated, bur now I'm on my second day of classes and they are sincerly great. I'm understanding the material and enjoying doing homework again for the first time in a year. My islamic mysticism class is pretty interesting and I love the teacher from my american indians class is really nice and funny, and he made us play effing rock paper scissors and my dorky ass won a five dollar gift card!
Other then that, the doctors in a week. Pray for me not having melanomam, and for strength. I've got to go, bart approachess.
The weather changed it for the worse And came down on us like it had been rehearsed And like we hope, but change will surely come And be awful for most but really good for some I took a trip to the exact same spot We pulled the trigger, but we forgot to cock And every single shot;
[mood| sleepy] [Music "Here comes the flood" - Peter Gabriel]
Reading old journal entries can be theraputic, but it can also put alot more things into perspective that you hadn't realized before. Give you more incite now that you're seperated from certain things that had been at hand. Different point of views. I dunno, I did it only because I had nothing else to do while I had the tv, IM's and phone going, but I look back and realize the majority of my entries contain negative or just sad emotions, and in a way, that is an online representation of who I am, and I don't want to be that way; always sad, always worrying, always going through something by choice or not. I want to feel free. I want to feel like there isn't anything to worry about. I want to be a better person. I want to feel better about myself. About my actions. About my ability to reach people, and myself.
I learned tonight that even the people you trust most, the ones you think would never do anything to compromise that, the one you think you know like the back of your hand; its... there's always suprises, always something to bite you in the ass. It feels better to just try and get over it, to move on, to accept that yes, he makes mistakes, yes he is a good boyfriend, even if he 's a compulsive liar, and admits to it. But, honestly? I can't dwell on it, though there are things to dwell on, much worse things, I don't want to dwell on anything anymore. It's not even about apathy. Its about not making myself sick with worries that will work themselves out. It's about making the choice to look at the brighter side of things and try to ignore the darker ones, because when it comes down to it, I don't want to look back at being 20, and 2007 as a repeat of bad emotion as I feel now about 2006, though there was alot of good, alot of good things said, and done, new people, new friendships and relationships, I don't want to look back at 2006 at all anymore. I may be young, and I may not have the capacity to understand things that some do when they get older, but what I do understand is that things get harder, but if you face them, they make you stronger and more capable to face things of that sort the next time round. I may not be content with my life right now, but what I've come to realize is that that doesn't matter, because I will be.
I dunno what I'm saying really, I don't know if this even has a point, but I just, I needed to write, and though I'm deleriously tired, I think I feel a little more better now that I'm done then I did when I started.
[mood| bored] [Music "What goes around comes around" - Justin Timberlake]
1. White low top converse 2. jeans jean JEANS AND MORE JEANS 3. socks 4. underoos 5. Romance perfume 6. a white bra 7. to have a forehead that works with headbands 8. Stranger then fiction 9. the iphone 10. more stuffed giraffes 11. for it to be april so I can make bobby's pirate easter basket 12. to watch marie antionette 13. Edamame 14. Gymclassconcerttt 15. a pair of teeny gold earrings 17. my license 18. a raise 19. my confidence 20. energy to go take my ass to bed
You died a year ago today, and yet, it feels like yesterday that I saw you smile, heard your laugh and felt your arms around me. I can still remember the last time I saw you speak and talk to me, the last time I hugged you and told you that I loved you, and that forboding feeling as I stepped out of the apartment and headed down the walkway that I'd never see you that way again, and I always regret never going back and telling you a few more times how much you meant to me. I regret alot of things, never going over while you were still okay, though dying, and spending more time with you, and I consider myself selfish for not being able to be emotionally able to talk to you about alot of things that felt unresolved, or even just to be around you in that time without feeling like I was going to constantly burst into tears. It's been a year, 356 days, and still, it just feels like I'm lazy and you're still home, and I'm just not heading over for an overdue visit, that you're still crocheting, and watching tv, and drinking tea, meticulously cleaning your apartment, and doing all those things I remember about you and find so endearing. I can still hear your voice, but its starting to fade, and though the details may not always be there, atleast I know the love will.
We cling to denial as a way to cope and we sing laments of hope; But we can't stand this influx of expression devoid of a positive impression on our dismal dispositions. We stare at false idols brandishing poor imitations of something sacred, and despite the desperation burning in our blood, we fail to comprehend a fallacy in disguise of love. There's got to be a truth to the trials and tribulations--- & Only time will tell us, but then again, only time has failed us.
Thanks to several people (more specifically robdyrdek and gigantic) who have uploaded the new Fallout Boy Cd : Infinity on High I was able to cheer up my post-movie depression by hearing Jay-Z intro the very first song "Thriller", and listened to it twice, marvelling at its amazingness. I haven't actually heard the rest of the CD yet, so I'm going to hold off on my detailed opinions, and leave you with... god.
Speaking of movie-depression, "El Laberinto del Fauno" or Pan's Pan's Labyrinth was absoulutely breathtaking, from the very moment the movie comes on screen, your eyes are glued, though the subtitles were initially distracting because of the fact that I wanted to keep my eyes on the movement and soak in all of the detail, but it was absoulutely beautiful, this child's immense imagination against the backdrop of fascism. It was horrifying, sickening, and the ending was heartbreaking, and it's not a movie I will be able to watch over and over, but I can definitely see why it was nominated for best foriegn film, and deserved to win, because it was executed beautifully.
I have work tommorow (yes saturday) but I plan on watching "A history of violence" and badgering my mother once again about getting a Labradoodle or a Goldendoodle. Goodnight Lj.
[mood| amused] [Music "Act Apalled" - Circa Survive]
Guessss who's seeing Circa Survive & Gym Class Heroes in the same fucking week. God. It's going to be so amazing, I wanted to go see Copeland too, but its fucking on Valentines day, and despite how cute it'd be to spend Valentines day listening to Copeland with the Beau, he hates concerts.
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